A long year of music lessons was coming to an end. It was the last class, and we were all, ready to be done, each for different reasons. I had one more mostly painful Tuesday afternoon session to endure, my final 60 minute guilt trip, over having not practiced, note recognition, and Mr. Snowman, more faithfully with my 4 year old.
Jonas was up, his turn had come, I felt more tense than he did. I squeezed his arm a little too hard, my expression was a little too stern, I wanted to communicate to my son with my non verbal gestures that it was time for him to focus. My cues did not cause him to straighten in his chair, he did not get his fingers into position, instead he looked at me with tears brimming, and said, "I'm having a bad day! Can I get some loving?"
I was immediately contrite, feeling fresh guilt, and remorse, this time for wounding my son's fragile sensibilities, and for not noticing that he needed patience, much more than he needed to be whipped into shape.
After some reflecting on our little non musical exchange, I'm left wondering, when did I begin to see my own emotional needs as weakness? Why am I, as an adult afraid to say, "I'm having a bad day. Can I get some loving?" Is it really more mature to assume that people should read my mind and know what I need or want? Is it more grown up to grow resentful over my loved ones' inability to read my mind correctly?
Although it feels needy and vulnerable, I wonder if it wouldn't be better for me to take a page out of my son's book? Perhaps I should let his simple entreaty teach me something about how I should communicate? Maybe, just maybe, I could learn to express myself in a way that inspires compassion, rather than defensiveness in those around me? Maybe....?????
My children really have taught me as much as I've taught them!
No comments:
Post a Comment